marel trout

July 1

This here is Snooples. I have some terribly important information.

Chessie, she is a vampire!

July 2

You may be wondering. How do I know that Chessie is a vampire?

I cannot blame you for wondering that.

I know this on account of Chessie, she told me that she is a vampire.

This transpired a couple of weeks ago. Back when it was real hot and we had them rains. It was bedtime. Chessie and me, we were standing in the bathroom in our new matching navy blue bathrobes with them nice satin pockets. We were brushing our tooths.

Chessie, she says guess what. i am a vampire!

I said I did not know that.

Chessie says oh yeah!

Then Chessie, she gargles real loud and splats Listerine into the sink.

July 4

It is evening and the air, it is full of firebugs. Nini is packing our warm winter coats into her Mercedes. We shall attend the Fourth of July festivities soon!

Fire bugs. They are the Fourth of July Celebration of the Lord.

July 8

Every day at 11:30 I enjoy my glass of milk and a nice peanut butter sandwich upon the porch steps.

Blue Jays, they gather ’round.

Whatareyoueating? Oh yuck!

That is what the Blue Jays, they jump up and down and rattle their throats and they yell. Then they ask for money.

Dad, he says Never lend the Blue Jays money.

But I always lend them a little money.

Yesterday I was handing out $1,000 bills to the Blue Jays. Then here comes Chessie wearing them heart shaped sunglasses with the yellow lenses plus flip flops plus a Scooby Doo towel over one arm.

Vampire! Vampire! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Then the Blue Jays, they yelled Gluck! Gluck! Then the Blue Jays, they flipped over upon their backs with their foots in the air.

Then they laughed their heads off.

meretricious podsnaps.

That is what Chessie said. Next thing, Chessie was sound asleep upon the lounge chair with zucchini slices where her eyes should be.

July 10

I am laying upon the west porch with my chin propped upon my paws. I am contemplating a yellow caterpillar. This yellow caterpillar, it has large purple plumes which stick straight up. It is trundling furiously along.

Do caterpillars have fashion consultants. I shall ask this of Gracie. Surely this caterpillar, it has a fashion consultant.

Gracie, she is absorbed in her binoculars.

WHAT THE FUCK. THOSE CHINCHILLAS ARE CARRYING KNIVES.

That is what Gracie says.

This caterpillar, I shall pat him with my paw.

July 11

don’t bother calling me for breakfast from now on.

Chessie, she is carrying Auntie Pia’s guitars out to the Miata. Chessie is wearing camoflage trousers and a tight purple shirt with the sleeves chewed off.

Something is strange about Chessie’s head.

Oh. It is shaved.

vampires go without breakfast. that’s prettymuch understood.

Chessie is dragging Auntie Pia’s enormous black guitar amplifier inch by inch across the porch, pulling on its handle with both paws.

um, i think vampires don’t eat at all?

I am pretty sure that is the case.

hell with that.

This is what Chessie says.

Chessie is thumping and banging Auntie Pia’s guitar amplifier all the way down the porch steps.

July 12

It Saturday morning. I am running the Scott’s Silent Mower over the grass.

Chessie, she is laying upon the hammock under the Horse Chestnut tree. Chessie is slurping strawberry milk through a elaborately curled drinking straw. Chessie is reading a book with a detective wearing a raincoat and a fedora on the front and sneaking along with a revolver gun. Chessie, she is wearing sunglasses with big circular purple lenses.

chessie it is your turn to take iron john for his walk.

no way says Chessie. i am busy being a vampire.

Chessie, she turns a page in her book and slurps the last of the strawberry milk up through the elaborately curled drinking straw.

I shall go now and get the red wagon for to take Iron John for his walk.

July 14

I am on the west porch with my little cutting board. I am chopping Slim Jims.

no more mowing lawns. i am the living dead!

Chessie is flapping past in plastic flip flops. Chessie is wearing dark and mysterious wrap-around sunglasses fastened in the back with a fat red rubber band. Chessie, she is carrying a book with a collie dog on the front. Plus a drink with a little umbrella in it.

Chessie, she has flopped onto the lawn chair.

Sigh.

I shall return to chopping Slim Jims.

July 16

I am taking Iron John for his walk. As Chessie, she is skateboarding.

Taking Iron John for his walks, it is a nice thing. The grass is cool on the foots.

I pull Iron John in the red wagon and I sing patriotic songs real loud. Iron John, he does not mind. Iron John, he is fond of patriotic songs.

July 16, 2006

Dear Brother Nosegay,

Here is something: I have a considerable amount of money!

I have been saving up all the money which Nini gives to me. I have saved up 4.8 million dollars!

I shall use this money to take care of the Unfortunate Skunks. Mr. Barley Tooney says there are a lot of them Unfortunate Skunks. Mr. Barley Tooney, he says them Unfortunate Skunks, they have Taken To The Bottle. I do not know what this means.

Nevertheless, I will use this money to take care of the Unfortunate Skunks!

Your Little Sister,

Snooples

July 19

It is evening and I am pulling Iron John along in his wagon. The night toads, they are a-wheezing. It is real nice.

Sometimes when I am pulling Iron John in his wagon I tell these long stories about the westward journeying pioneers plus their little cats.

Iron John, he is a very thoughtful listener.

July 21

I have found another caterpillar upon the porch!

This caterpillar, it is bright orange with green plumes which stick out every which ways. It was hurring along but I put up my paw and I said stop, mr. caterpillar!

Now I am brushing this caterpillar with a old brush which once was for brushing tooths. I am feeding it basil leafs.

last night i turned into a bunch of bats.

That is what Chessie says. Chessie, she is tromping past with a skateboard under one arm. Chessie, she is climbing into the Miata. Auntie Pia is revving the engine. Auntie Pia is grinding the gears something awful.

The Miata, it is buzzing down the road.

July 23

I am peering through a pair of Gracie’s binoculars, a collection of which she leaves upon the porch always.

Everything is real close when you look through these here binoculars. There is the door knob upon the front door of the Gateway House for Homely Dogs. There are the sparse whiskers of Muhammed the bald Afghan hound. There are the long toenails of Cedric the splay-footed beagle. There is the bedraggled ear of Old Fritz!

Over there is the cash register in the little organic grocery store. There is a sparrow hopping around with a paper grocery bag with parsley sticking out of the top.

There is the left eyeball of a field rat. That field rat, he is dressed in black leather and he is lounging against the front of the Irish Pub. There is the front tire of that field rat’s Harley Davidson.

There are some baby snails playing hopscotch!

Over there are the bumps upon Bufo and Xerxes the toads. Bufo and Xerxes, they are setting in kitchen chairs upon their balcony. They are playing harmonicas. There is Bufo’s big webbed foot. It is tapping time.

July 28

It is a rainy day.

I am wearing my favorite Charlie’s old shirt. It is a snugglesome shirt that is why. The cuffs, they go out past the paws. That is a good thing.

I am setting at the dining room table. I am sorting through the literatures of the summer camps. It is time to think about the summer camps.

it has to take bats. i can’t go if it doesn’t take bats.

Chessie is sprawled upon the window seat. Chessie is reading a book with a cowboy riding a galloping horse and twirling a lariat on the front.

I am puzzled as to which summer camps take bats.

what about camp little foot.

nope.

what about camp fromage. we could learn to make cheese.

uh uh. no cheese.

what about camp veneer. it is a woodworking camp.

no WAY.

what about camp scuttlebutt. it is a whaling camp. it says here you go out on a actual whale boat. you fish for some of them whales.

does it take bats.

gracious. i do not know.

I am leafing through the Camp Scuttlebutt brochure. I am looking for some mention of bats.

it says here that they have a tuna fish cruise. it is special for cats.

well maybe. but it has to take bats.

I guess I will have to call the 800 number.

July 29

We are assisting Vladimir Polesaw in the fields.

Gracie and Chessie, they are snipping at the grape vines. Pia is mowing the hay.

Chickenloaf and me, we are hoeing the corns. We are wearing old matching t-shirts of Charlie’s which come down to our foots.

Vladimir Polesaw, he is setting out bowls of homemade peach ice cream upon the picnic table.

Now we are setting at the picnic table and we are scooping up the delicious ice cream.

none for me thanks.

That is what Chessie says. We have all stopped chewing. We are looking at Chessie.

Chessie, she is wearing a red bandanna tied upon her shaved head. Chessie, she is concentrating fiercely upon operating a pair of gigantic pruning scissors with both paws.

I explain to Vladimir Polesaw that Chessie: She is a vampire.

Vladimir Polesaw says Oh, I see.

I explain to Vladimir Polesaw that Chessie must eat only Slim Jims chopped up into little cylinders.

Vladimir Polesaw, says Yes, of course.

Vladimir Polesaw, he has a real nice Romanian accent.

July 31

This here is another real nice summer evening. I am helping Weakie pin up the laundrys.

well! i am not a vampire anymore!

Chessie strides past wearing one of Auntie Pia’s stretchy black outfits plus a old fur hat of Vladimir Polesaw’s. Chessie has the ear nubs of the Movie iPaw clamped to her ears. Chessie has her roller skates slung over one shoulder.

why is that?

beats me.

Chessie, she is gliding down the road on her rattly metal rollerskates. Chessie, she has glided around the bend and out of sight.