marel trout

August 1

I DO NOT CARE FOR BLUBBER. BLUBBER, IT IS BAD.

It is critical that I assert my opinions regarding this matter.

All around the table they continue with their level stares.

BESIDES. ONE OR MORE OF US COULD LOSE A LEG. IT HAPPENS.

I think blubber, it is nice!

Snooples, she assiduously takes notes. Snooples writes:

chickenloaf thinks that blubber: it is nice.

ALSO THERE IS THE MATTER OF SANITATION. WE MUST CONSIDER THIS.

superfluous! ignominious!

Chessie, she is banging her small white fist upon the table causing all of the brightly colored rubber bracelets upon her scrawny wrist to rearrange themselves.

Personally, I think it would be refreshing to do some real hunting for a change. Instead of all these damned moths.

Pia, she is holding out one splayed paw and is scrutinizing her nails which are painted two-tone in a acid green and orange scheme.

We cannot go through with this barbarism! Will no one listen!

Ben, he has buried his face in his paws. Ben, he has fallen to weeping.

What’s the price tag.

Dad, he has paused whilst striding past the dining room table with his caulking gun. Dad, he has picked up the Camp Ahab brochure which we are debating.

$ Thirteen hundred a cat. Forget it.

Dad, he tears up the Camp Ahab brochure into halves. Then into quarters. Then into eighths. Then into sixteenths. Dad, he drops the Camp Ahab brochure bits on top of a character building camp brochure in the reject pile.

okay here is the next brochure, everybody.

Snooples, she spreads a brochure called Beautiful Camp Fromage! out in the middle of the table and smoothes it with her paws. Where Cheese Dreams Come True!

Wait a minute. What’s this. Never-Too-Late Character Building Camp.

Uh oh.

Deprivation, Hard Labor, and Teamwork in New Hampshire’s Great Outdoors. Special Group Rates. Just the ticket.

Snooples and Chessie, they have become pale beneath their fur.

Oh. Never mind! It’s just for marsupials.

Dad, he has strided out the door slinging his caulking gun over his shoulder. Dad, he is whistling a jaunty military tune.

well! Snooples, she calls the meeting back to order. what does everybody think about Beautiful Camp Fromage?

August 5

I did not realize that so much effort goes into the Making of Cheese.

First: There is the Feeding of the Milk Animal. Cow, goat, wombat, whatever.

Then there is the Leading of the Milk Animal through the fields so that the bell hanging from the red ribbon around the Milk Animal’s neck tinkles in a Winsome Manner.

Then there is the Swaddling of the Milk Animal. This occurrs every evening. Soothing hammer dulcimer music must be played.

Then there is the Milking of the Milk Animal. This is terribly hazardous.

Next there is the Faddling of the Milk. The Faddling of the Milk, this goes on for days.

After that, who knows. We have only been here for 20 minutes.

August 7

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is short and round and sort of a pale yellow. The Cheese Camp Guy, he wears a tasteful beige apron at all times. The Cheese Camp Guy, he is spattered all over with corn dust.

Snooples, she says that the Cheese Camp Guy, he is made of cheese.

However I do not think he is made of cheese.

August 9

We are standing around in the Great Outdoors. We are attending a Cheese Camp Lecture. The Cheese Camp Guy, he is handing out little wedges of various cheeses. We are allowed to nibble these cheeses.

Auugggh!

Ben, he is gagging upon his little wedge of cheese.

Pia, she has whacked Ben between the shoulder blades.

Ben, he has coughed up the little wedge of cheese.

Ben, he is on all fours.

Ben, he is scratching dirt over the little wedge of cheese.

August 10

We are riding on the bus. We are going on a field trip. We are going to visit a Milk Plant. I thought all milk came from Milk Animals but I guess not.
That bus radio, it is playing I’M A WORRIED CAT.

It is playing I’M A WORRIED CAT for the eighteenth time in 4 hours.

I do not like I’M A WORRIED CAT. On account of the acoustic guitars.

I will wrap my napsack around my head.

August 12

We are feeding hay to the Cheese Cows.

Why do cows chew sideways. That is dumb.

HEY COWS. WHY DO YOU CHEW SIDEWAYS.

The Cheese Cows, they widen their large wet eyes. They lock us in their steady gaze.

Now the Cheese Cows, they have commenced drowsily chewing sideways again.

ruminants.

That is what Chessie says. Chessie, she is scooping Bulper’s Cattle Delight into big bowls. Chessie, she is setting a big bowl of Bulper’s Cattle Delight in front of each cow.

THAT IS NOT CORRECT. A RUMINANT. THAT IS A SORT OF INSECT.

when i grow up i am going to be a ruminant.

I consider this.

ANYWAYS. I DO NOT THINK THAT IS WHY COWS CHEW SIDEWAYS. THEIR HEADS, THEY ARE ATTACHED WRONG.

Oh there is the Cheese Bell. It is time to go slap the Wensleydale around.

August 14

We are on the bus. We are going on a field trip to see some Milk Yaks.

The radio, it is playing I’M A WORRIED CAT once again.

There is the accordion solo. That accordion solo, it always makes me slightly woozy.

I shall take a little nap.

What the hell.

Everybody is climbing back onto the bus with little souvenir rubber yaks.

I have missed seeing the Milk Yaks.

August 15

We are hiking through the woods. We are looking for Wild Cheeses.

The little kids, they are singing I’M A WORRIED CAT.

They are whooping and they are singing I’M A WORRIED CAT at the top of their lungs.

The little kids, they will probably frighten away the cheeses.

Chickenloaf, she is kneeling beneath a pine. Chickenloaf, she is smoothing pine needles away from a large pink Chevre which is very wooly.

Chessie, she is filling a whole basket with Cheddar buttons.

Snooples is holding up a shimmering purple Tenerella for the Lead Cheese Scout to examine.

The little kids, they are now shouting I’M A WORRIED CAT in a atonal manner.

The little kids, they are driving me nuts. I cannot concentrate on Searching for Cheeses. Here is a old boot but no Cheeses.

August 17

It is the evening time.

The little kids, they are setting around the camp fire and they are singing I’M A WORRIED CAT. The Cheese Camp Guy, he is playing a acoustic guitar.

Chickenloaf, she is knitting a sock.

Ben, he is absorbed in a book. Bens whiskers, they are pointing forward.

That book, it is called Better Living Through Bread.

Me, I am watching Dwight Yoakam videos on the iPaw.

Goddamnit here is a video of Ben. Ben, he is clutching a microphone in a soulful manner. Ben, he is wearing a cowboy outfit apparently made entirely of glittering pink jewels.

Ben, he is singing I’M A WORRIED CAT.

Now Ben, he is riding on a train. Ben, he is wearing a striped railroad cap plus a red bandana around his throat.

Now Ben, he is walking down a lonesome country road. Ben, he is wearing dusty old cowboy apparel.

Now Ben, he is backlit by the setting sun. He is feeding horses.

I shall thwack Ben over the head with this iPaw.

August 19

We are learning how to make Armadillo Cheese. We are patting the Armadillo Cheese and we are tucking it into little bowls.

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is explaining that the Armadillo Cheese: it will develop a thick armor all over it. During the course of the next 8 days.

Then it is ready for special celebrations or to use as a weapon.

August 21
The Cheese Camp Guy, he is demonstrating how to make Port Wine Cheese.

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is pouring a big bottle of New York State Port into a bowl of some cheese. He is mixing and mixing the New York State Port and the Cheese together into glop.

Snooples, she is assisting. Snooples, she is spooning the glop into little crocks.

Pia, she just pocketed one of the little crocks of Port Wine Cheese into her sweatshirt.

August 22

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is demonstrating how to milk a Dairy Llama.

We are standing all around the Dairy Llama. We are wearing our gray Camp Fromage sweatshirts. As it is a chilly day.

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is asking for volunteers. Who would like to milk the Dairy Llama. That is what the Cheese Camp Guy says.

Snooples paw goes up in the air.

Now Snooples, she is washing her paws in a little basin.

Now Snooples, she is setting on the milk stool with her nice clean paws folded in her lap and she is wearing a tasteful beige apron.

That Llama, it is calmly masticating alfalfa.

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is demonstrating how to apply one’s paws to the Llama’s milk nozzles.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why that Llama, it is not embarrassed by all of this business.

Now Snooples, she is milking the Llama. Llama Milk, it is zinging at intersecting angles into the shiny steel milk pail.

Meanwhile the Cheese Camp Guy, he is quizzing us. Is Head Cheese actually cheese.

UM. YES.

No it is meat bits! Chickenloaf, she is bouncing and waving her paw.

That is correct. It is not cheese.

That milk pail, it is filling up with frothy Llama Milk. That Llama, it is smiling serenely and chewing alfalfa.

Why is Stilton blue.

Chessie, she is frowning in concentration. worms?

Mold! Chickenloaf, she is again bouncing and waving her paw.

That is correct. Furry bluish-green mold spreads throughout the cheese, providing the characteristic marbling effect we know as bleu.

Bleu! That is right! Chickenloaf, she is clapping her paws.

Huh. I did not know that. That is disgusting.
The Cheese Camp Guy, he is giving Chickenloaf a nice piece of cheese.

What is Limburger commonly compared with.

PICKLED CAT POOP.

I realize I have said this out loud.

That is correct.

I have recieved a miniature foil-wrapped wheel of cheese for providing the correct answer.

August 23

We are hiking across a slender footbridge above a gordge. These new hiking boots, they weigh about 9 pounds apiece.

Also they pinch my foots.

What is this in my pocket. Oh it is that miniature foil-wrapped wheel of cheese. I shall open this miniature foil-wrapped wheel of cheese.

AGGGHH.

Bright green bugs, they are marching through tunnels in this cheese.

Those are fermenting bugs! You eat them right along with the cheese.

Chickenloaf, she is pointing at the bright green bugs. Those bright green bugs, they pause and wave at us.

I shall now fall over unconscious.

August 26

We are working in the Cheese Assembly Room. We are wearing Rubber Hands plus hair nets over our ears.

We are assembling the Camemberts. I am first in the assembly line. I must scoop up a large lump of Camembert out of the Camembert Vat which churns and churns. Then I must slap the Camembert with my paws until it stops yellng and fighting.

Then I pass the lump of Camembert to Chickenloaf. Chickenloaf, she rolls that lump of Camembert around and around in corn dust until that lump of Camembert, it is a spherical ball.

Next Chickenloaf places that ball of Camembert in front of Chessie. Chessie, she frowns ferociously and whacks that ball of Camembert flat with a large pattle.

Next is Ben. Ben, he wears safety goggles.

Ben, he squeezes a single drop of lemon juice upon the flattened cheese.

Then Snooples scoops it up. Snooples, she wraps that flattened cheese in crinkly paper. Snooples, she packs it into a little wooden tub. Snooples, she writes packed by snooples on top of the little wooden tub.

August 30

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is telling us that some types of cheeses: they must Never Be Left Alone.

The Cheese Camp Guy, he pats an ominous grayish yellow lump which is laying on the table.

or else what might transpire?

Snooples has raised her paw.

You don’t really want to know.

Snooples eyes are perfectly round.

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is asking for a volunteer. To watch the ominous grayish yellow lump.

UM. FOR HOW LONG.

As Long As It Takes.

I believe I shall slip outside. I am wondering whether the Cheese Goats, they are finished with their field hockey game.

Ha ha ha. I have just imagined that Snooples is saying gracie is very brave.

it is true! gracie is ever so brave!

August 31

Sigh.

I have been setting here watching this ominous grayish yellow lump for 7 1/2 hours.

Everybody else, they are on a field trip to a Butter Sculptor’s studio.

I am bored. Anyways, this cheese: It does not appear to require attention.

I shall watch my movie iPaw.

No. I had better not.

I shall poke this cheese.

My paw, it is moving closer and closer to the cheese. It is now very, very close to the cheese.

There. I have poked the cheese.

Poking the cheese. That is done.

Later

Good gracious it is not a lump of cheese after all. It is a horse.

HEY HORSE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CHEESE ROOM.

S t i n k i n g .

>bonk<

Huh. I have dozed off momentarily and have bonked my head upon the Cheese Table.

However I am awake now.

The lump of cheese. It is still setting there.

I shall drum my nails for a little bit.

There, that is done.

Now I shall scratch my foots.

Gracious, my foots. They are covered with corn dust.

I shall search for a whisk broom with which to whisk my foots. There must be a whisk broom in one of these drawers.

WHAT THE HELL.

The lump of cheese, it has sprouted short but alarmingly swift legs and it has pattered out of the room and down the dim hallway!

I have sprung out of the Cheese Room, weilding the large Cheese pattle.

The cheese. It is gone.

I shall remain calm. I shall stalk silently in the manner of a ruthless hunting cat. I shall leap around the corner at the end of the hallway and whack the cheese.

There is no cheese around this corner.

Little foots, they are pattering off into the distance somewhere behind.

I shall sneak along the wall and I shall fling open each door. Thus catching the cheese by surprise.

However there is only well behaved cheese in this room. Also this one. And this one.

This room, it only has a bunch of naked mannequins.

Little foots, they are pattering overhead. I shall tiptoe up the stairs.

Little foots, they are pattering down that hallway. No, that one. Now they are pattering around downstairs. I shall run downstairs.

There is the cheese! It is bustling off in the distance toward the exit sign at the end of the hall. The exit door. It has opened and slammed shut.

I have bursted through the exit door whipping the Cheese Pattle around and around over my head and yelling FREEZE.

There is the field trip bus. All the kids, they are standing around clutching souvenir boxes of Land-o-Lakes Butter.

Is this what you’re looking for.

The Cheese Camp Guy, he is holding the lump of cheese by the scruff of its neck.

Such as it is.