marel trout

September 5
5 a.m.
It is the first day of school. Everybody else, they are still sleeping.

Me, I am shuffling down the hallway in my Tasmanian Devil slippers.

I have arisen early. So as to enjoy a morning without mayhems.

5:05 a.m.
What the hell.

Bens feather boa, it is flushed halfway down the toilet. The half of Bens feather boa which is not flushed, it is snaking all around the bathroom floor.

I know what I will do.

I will flush Bens feather boa the rest of the way down the toilet. Then Bens feather boa, it will be gone.

5:15 a.m.
MOM. THE TOILET. IT IS FLOODING ALL OVER THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

6 a.m.
Snooples and Chessie, they are slogging up and down the hallway wearing their bathrobes and their rain boots.

Pia, she is swearing and she is brushing her tooths over the kitchen sink.

Dad, he is raging around the house with a toilet plunger.

Ben, he is weeping over his feather boa.

Pink feathers, they are floating everywheres. It looks kind of nice.

September 6
Late afternoon

We are clambering down off the school bus with our book bags and our lunch boxes. We are running to the house to watch Gilligans Island.

We have frozen in our tracks.

The yard, it is afloat in sewage and pink feathers.

September 7

Ha ha ha Gilligans Island, it is pretty funny.

They are making a radio out of coconuts that is pretty funny. Now that radio, it is on fire. Ha ha ha!

Gilligans Island, it is a pretty good show.

September 10
Late Afternoon
Practically everybody on the bus, they are throwing oak nuts.

Oak nuts, they keep bouncing off the back of Walter Whitmans head. Walter Whitman, he does not seem to care.

Me, I am not throwing oak nuts.

Me, I am parsing sentences. So that I can watch Gilligans Island when we get home.

Also Snooples and Chickenloaf, they are not throwing oak nuts.

Snooples and Chickenloaf, they are setting on a seat with their hind legs sticking out straight and they are looking at a Ansel Adams book together.

Also Ben, he is not throwing oak nuts. Ben, he is clutching a single pink feather. Ben, he is weeping.

eat hot death you rotten bastard

Chessie, she is wearing World War II aviator goggles. Chessie, she has fashioned a oak nut catapault using a plastic ruler.

September 13

We are parsing sentences.

We must parse 351 sentences before lunch.

Then we must parse 477 more sentences in the afternoon.

Thus far I have identified the predictor and the object of derision in this here sentence. Also some kind of weirdo verb.

Snooples, she has just turned the page of her blue work booklet and she has pushed the sleeves of Charlies old crabs wool sweater up to her elbows. Snooples pencil with the chewed eraser, it is scratching briskly across the paper.

There is no way that Snooples, she has parsed all those sentences upon the first page. I know what Snooples, she is doing. Snooples, she is jumping ahead to some very easy sentences.

I shall assume a similar strategy.

Both expunged and albeit expurgated Quixotic parallels associating Shakespears’s Trolius and Cressida do not by any measure of accident coincide with the rampant yet secondary feast imagery in both Titus Andronicus and The Waltons; nor is it to be supposed, albeit argued by marginal twentieth century scholars enamored with the thematic conceits interposed and juxtaposed with moribundity closely translated to the thematic conceits of Hamlet, and let us not for a moment forget, as well, in our own time, Elvis.

Perhaps I shall go back to the first page.

September 15

Parseing sentences.

Chessie, she is scowling. Chessie, she is drawing little skeletons all over her workbook.

Perhaps I should draw some skeletons. Plus some stand-alone skulls.

No that there is inappropriate.

PSSST. CHESSIE. YOU MUST DESIST WITH DEPICTING SYMBOLS OF BLEAK MORTALITY.

Chessie, she only scowls more fiercely.

Ms. Wysiwyg, she is sternly rapping her desk with a ruler.

I guess I will go back to parseing sentences.

However this sentence, it has no verbs whatsoever anywheres. I shall raise my paw.

EXCUSE ME THIS SENTENCE. IT HAS NO VERBS WHATSOEVER.

Everybody, they are shushing in this direction.

Sigh.

I guess I will borrow a verb from one of these here other sentences. As they appear to have too many verbs anyways.

September 18

we don’t care if it rains and freezes!
because we got these here plastic cheeses!

We are on the school bus heading home from school. It is pouring down rain. The windshield wipers, they are squonking. The little kids, they are singing along.

However they are singing that song incorrectly.

RAINS OR FREEZES. I DON’T CARE IF IT RAINS OR FREEZES.

we don’t care if it rains and freezes!
because we got these here plastic cheeses!

Uh oh there goes somebodys lunch box skidding up the aisle.

Now it is skidding back in this direction.

Now it is skidding up the aisle again.

There it goes bouncing down the bus steps. It has sprang open. There goes a pickled trout rolling out onto the bottom step. There goes a fruit cup.

September 24

It is Saturday morning.

Pia, she is hunched over the Daily Bugle and she is muttering and she is furiously stirring a spoon in a large mug of black coffee. As Ben, he has another hit song.

Also, no toilet.

Snooples and Chessie, they are trotting back and forth between the bedroom and the bathroom and they are ducking under the crime tape surrounding the bathroom. They are brushing their tooths and they are fluffing their head fur and they are blow drying their ears.

Me, I am attempting to enjoy a bowl of Bulper’s Cream-O-Kidneys. Plus some strawberry milk. However Pia, she keeps rattling the Daily Bugle in an irritable manner.

Says here the toilet men are on strike.

UM WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT IMPLY.

It implies that we’re fucked.

Here comes Snooples wearing Chickenloafs old corderouy trousers with the faded bumblebees plus Charlies crabs wool sweater plus Charlies old rabbit fuzz cap with the ear flaps down.

I guess it is time to bicycle over to Vladimir Polesaw’s place and pick some winter squashes.

September 25

Dumping limp dead carrots onto Ninis compost pile.

There is Dads book Feng Sui in the Modern Bathroom Using iPod Hacks. It is lying sodden upon the compost pile. Right next to a old onion.

I guess that book, it was not good.

September 26

It is raining once again. Small creatures, they are hurrying up and down the sidewalk with umbrellas in the neighborhood underneath the spiraea bushes. Some young sparrows, they are hopping in and out of a rain puddle.

There goes Mimulus Beak. Mimulus Beak, he is wearing a trench coat plus a fedora. Mimulus Beak, he is carrying a suitcase and he is consulting his pocket watch.

I guess Mimulus Beak, he is flying south today.

A bunch of meadow voles, they are setting around a table in the Fearful Porpentine. Those meadow voles, they are wearing black arm bands. Those meadow voles, they are drinking mugs of dark ale. They are engaged in a heated discussion.

One of those meadow voles, he is banging his fist upon the table. Now all the meadow voles, they are standing up and they are taking their little black revolvers out from their holsters and they are

Wait. I need to adjust these opera glasses.

Damn. A tiny screw, it has fallen out of these here opera glasses.

I must crawl around upon the porch until I recover that tiny screw.

Here it is.

No this here is a pill bug.

Here is that screw. In the dust underneath the porch swing.

No it is a brilliantly sparkling stone of some sort. I shall toss it into Ninis gerbera bed and continue searching for that tiny screw.

Sparkling stones, they are laying everywheres in the dust underneath the porch swing. Also here is a small leather bag containing more sparkling stones. This is very irritating. As it makes it very difficult to find that small screw.

Ah, here is that small screw.

I shall screw it back into Ninis opera glasses.

Damn. That screw, it has fallen out once again and it has rolled across the porch.

That screw, it is bouncing down the porch steps.

There. I have secured that screw tightly back into Ninis opera glasses using my claw. Now I shall be able to adjust these opera glasses so as to enjoy a better view of those meadow voles.

Those meadow voles, they are admiring one anothers revolvers.

September 27, 2006

Dear Muffin,

Snooples and me, we spent the whole day over at Vladimir Polesaw’s place. We were castrating bulls.

It was fun also educational.

If you ever have to know anything about castrating bulls for veterinary college or whatever do not hesitate to contact me. As I know quite a bit about castrating bulls.

Yours,

Gracie

September 28

Dear Muffin,

Have you ever seen Gilligans Island it is a pretty good show.

Gilligans Island, it is based upon a True Story of Heroic Survival and Coconuts.

I do not see why Gilligans Island, it is not on the History Channel with all them other disasters.

Yours in Good Health,

Gracie

September 29, 2006

Dear Muffin,

I am sending you a sack of little stones which were laying around underneath the porch swing and they were junking up the porch which it is best to keep nice and tidy.

Maybe you can use them to make teeth or something.

Yours,

Gracie

September 30

Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben, they are out rollerskating up and down the road and they are playing hockey with a old computer mouse.

I bet that there is a pretty fun game.

Me, I wish I could be out there playing that game.

However, I cannot go out there and play that game. On account of I am noticeably behind in parsing sentences.

What the hell kind of sentence ends in “picaresque.” That is what I want to know.

Here comes Charlie back from the hardware store. The back of Charlies Mini Cooper, it is full of pipes and large wrenches. Also a brand new toilet.

Toilets. I did not know that they are actually white.

Now Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben, they are standing around that new toilet which is setting in the driveway. Snooples, she is holding a bottle of champagne. Snooples, she has busted that bottle of champagne upside that new toilet.

Now everybody, they are jumping up and down and they are clapping.