marel trout

December 24

11:46 p.m.

“You see, George? You have been given a great gift. You’ve been given the chance to see what the world would have been like if you had never been born.”

This here movie, it is preposterous.

I will turn off the television set and I will go to bed. On account of everybody else, they are in bed. On account of Santa Claus, he will be here soon.

WHO THE HELL LEFT THE FRONT DOOR OPEN ARE YOU NUTS. IT IS WINTERTIME WE COULD ALL DIE.

I bet Chessie, she is the one which left the front door open.

Also it has stopped snowing. Well, that is probably good.

Oh boy, here is a UPS box upon the porch! This UPS box, it has Christmas stickers and labels and whatnot all over it. This UPS box, I bet it is from Muffin.

Penn State Holiday Cheesebox. What the hell is a Penn State Holiday Cheesebox.

Also it is addressed to Eben Flow, the TV repair guy. Eben Flow, he lives way the heck over on the hill above the other side of town.

I shall take this here Cheesebox inside and enjoy the cheeses.

* * *

However, Eben Flow, he has all them little kids. Them little kids, they are probably in their pajamas. Them little kids, they are probably standing on their toes and they have their paws pressed upon the window and they are looking out the window and they are waiting for UPS to bring them this here Cheesebox. But the Cheesebox, it never does show up.

That is terrible. I shall take this here Cheesebox over to them little kids right away.

Nah. I shall go inside and enjoy these here cheeses.

* * *

What the fuck. My foot, it has mushed right through these here flooboards on this here porch. Dad, he will have to fix this here floorboard.

DAD YOU MUST GET OUT OF BED RIGHT AWAY AND FIX THE PORCH. ON ACCOUNT OF SANTA CLAUS, HE WILL BE ARRIVING SOON.

Dad, he does not answer. I shall have to go inside and yell directly into Dads ears.

The front door. It has fell right off its rusty hinges and it has crashed upon the porch.

* * *

Holy crap the house. It is dark and empty and cruddy. The Turkey Rug and the Television Set and the Victrola: they are all gone.

MOM BEN SNOOPLES CHESSIE PIA EVERYBODY YOU MUST EVACUATE THE HOUSE SO THAT DAD, HE CAN FIX IT AGAIN IN TIME FOR SANTA CLAUS.

MOM BEN SNOOPLES CHESSIE…

Huh. I guess everybody, they have went off to the shopping mall in Altoona. They are most likely purchasing a large surprise which I shall enjoy tomorrow.

Yup, everybody, they have definitely went off to the shopping mall in Altoona. On account of both trucks plus the Miata plus the Mini Cooper, they are gone.

I guess I will set here on the porch steps with this here Cheesebox and wait for everybody to return home.

* * *

It certainly is taking everybody a terribly long time with which to return home from that there mall. I suppose everybody, they are purchasing numerous high-quality gifts, many of which are for myself. That there will be real nice.

* * *

Uh oh.

What if Santa Claus, he shows up with all them reindeers. And I am setting on the porch with this here Cheesebox. Which actually belongs to them little kids. Over at Eben Flows house.

Then probably all I will get for Christmas is dried collie poop.

I must deliver this Cheesebox right away.

I shall pull that Cheesebox over there on Snooples Flexible Flyer sled. That is what I will do. As it is a good seven miles.

Then I will be a Christmas Hero. Perhaps they will even make a movie.

* * *

Am digging through the ancient junk-filled shed which is rotten and sagging at precarious angles in search of Snooples Flexible Flyer sled.

However, I cannot find Snooples Flexible Flyer sled.

Here is a sled which says Rosebud it will have to do.

* * *

Pulling this here Cheesebox strapped onto the sled along the streets of Bassettville.

Bassetville, it appears to be particularly busy tonight.

* * *
Bassettville, it has been changed to Abelmuryville. Why the hell they did that I do not know. It is rather difficult to pronounce.

Muzzlewhite’s Pawn Shop…Wysiwyg School of Modeling…Ben’s Bank and Trust…

Ha ha ha Bens Bank and Trust…What the hell.

* * *
I shall stop at this here Radio Shack store and inquire as to what precisely is going on.

EXCUSE ME DORKY LOOKING RADIO SHACK CLERK WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OH YOU ARE WALTER WHITMAN.

Dude. Nobody’s called me that since the school closed up 15 years ago.

Huh. The school, it is closed up. That there is a big improvement.

I know. I shall consult my Web site on this here display computer. I am sure everything, it is documented there. Snooples, she is very diligent about documentations.

Aaaaaagh!

* * *
Have commenced running haphazardly down the sidewalk.

As this town, it is giving me the damned creeps.

Kitten World!…Live Kittens!…Kittens! Kittens! Kittens!…

* * *
Thank heavens there is Snooples lounging over there on that dark and trash-strewn street corner.

SNOOPLES WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. ALSO WHY ARE YOU DRESSED ALL IN TIGHT RED LEATHER. UM, ALSO WHY ARE YOU SMOKING THAT TURD-COLORED CIGARETTE.

it’s not a cigarette, dumbass.

SNOOPLES WE MUST RETURN HOME IMMEDIATELY. MY WEB SITE, IT HAS BEEN HACKED BY A PIG.

where do you get off calling me snooples. the name’s ice kitten.

NONSENSE YOU KNOW VERY WELL YOUR NAME, IT IS NOT ICE KITTEN.

Snooples, she is grinding out the stub of the cigarette under her spike-heeled boot. Snooples, she is pulling out a knife.
SNOOPLES YOU MUST PUT DOWN THAT KNIFE RIGHT THIS MINUTE. KNIFES, THEY ARE VERY SHARP.

you and your cheesebox take a hike, you fucking weirdo.

I guess talking to Snooples, it is of no use.

However I have an idea.

SNOOPLES WHERE PRECISELY IS PIA. I MUST DELIVER THIS HERE CHEESEBOX TO PIA.

how do you know pia. Snooples has narrowed her eyes and folded her ears back.

PIA? OH, JUST THROUGH THESE HERE CHEESEBOX SALES. NOTHING SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS LIKE THESE HERE CHEESEBOXES!

she’s about to close up the library.

Snooples, she lights another cigarette, hisses out a stream of catnip smoke, and stalks off.

RIGHT! I’LL JUST BE GOING THEN.

* * *

EXCUSE ME I AM LOOKING FOR A BOOK ON THE HISTORY OF BASSETTVILLE. CIRCA 1990-2006.

Well, you won’t find it here, chump.

Pia: she looks rather unusual wearing them steel-rimmed eyeglasses.

WELL PERHAPS YOU CAN ARRANGE A INTER-LIBRARY LOAN. I GUESS THEY DO THOSE THINGS.

Fat chance. Bassettville never existed.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT. I WAS SHOVELING SHOW IN BASSETTVILLE 5 HOURS AGO.

Bassettville never existed because you weren’t there to write about it.

THAT THERE CANNOT ACTUALLY BE TRUE. I AM PRETTY SURE I AHVE HAVE WRITTEN A FEW THINGS ABOUT BASSETTVILLE.

You weren’t there to write about it because you were never born. That batch of kittens? There were only three of them: two calicoes, a tiger. See, you’ve been given a great gift…

Bwahhhh! The television set, it is making a awful monotone noise.

I shall stumble off the couch and switch off that there television set.

There that is better.

Merry Christmas!

Everybody, they are standing at the parlor door. They are wearing new Christmas sweaters over top of their pajamas. They are holding mugs of hot Ovaltine.

Snooples, she is shuffling forward in brand-new Porky Pig slippers. Snooples, she has pink curlers all over in her head fur. Snooples, she is handing me a tiny package with a large bow on top.

Oh boy! I am tearing the wrapping paper off this tiny package.

every time this rings, it means there is another visitor on your web site!

Yay it is a awesome new cellular phone!

This here, it is a pretty good life.