marel trout

November 28

4 a.m.
I did not know there was this whole other room with a weirdo paint job here in the house. Dad, he must have builded this here room whilst I was washing my ears.

This here is a pretty big room. It is about 14 acres I would guess. There are all of Charlies fishing poles along one side. Also dozens of very handy looking push brooms along the other side. Also some paisley deers.

brrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzz

Oh.

Fuck.

This here is the first day of deer season.

4:15 a.m.
Feeling my way along the wall to the bathroom.

My eyeballs, they are burning. On account of not enough sleep.

I am certain that I shall go blind.

Here is Snooples all dressed up in a red and black plaid Woolrich outfit with a orange vest and a orange cap with wooly ear flaps. Orange mittens, they are pinned to Snooples coat cuffs.

Snooples, she is handing out Slim Jims and apples and chocolate bars to everybody.

4:30 a.m.
Am dressed in 3 layers of Bens long johns. They are a little tight in the armpits and crotch. However they are bright red that is good.

Am pulling on 4th layer of socks. Cannot feel feet anymore.

4:45 a.m.
Am attempting to button a pair of Charlies woolen calving trousers over 3 layers of Bens long johns. It is no use.
I shall pin these trousers with these here kilt pins from Snooples jool box.

4:55 a.m.
5 layers of shirts and sweaters and sweatshirts. That ought to suffice.

Hurry the hell up it’s going to be daylight in 2 hours. Don’t make me sorry I took you losers hunting.

Pia, she is snapping the clip into her rifle.

Chessie and Ben and Chickenloaf and Snooples, they are standing in a row at attention. Pia, she is moving up and down the row and she is conducting a inspection.

You call those boots, soldier?

Ben, he is standing there in his bare toes.

Well but they are orange. I thought it would be lovely to

Get some boots soldier. This isn’t a mousing expedition.

5:10 a.m.
Trudging and trudging and trudging through the deep snow. Arms sticking out at 50 degree angles on account of 8 layers of clothes.

Pia and Snooples and Chessie and Ben and Chickenloaf, they have all gone off in various directions.

Have no idea whatsoever where I am. As is pitch black.

Ouch.

That there was a stump.

Ouch.

That there. That was a old piece of a forage harvester.

Ouch. Damnit.

That there. It was a damned ditch. Filled with deathly freezing water.

Left boot. It is full of deathly freezing water.

I shall set down on this brown lump and I shall pour the deathly freezing water out of this here boot.

However cannot get this here boot off foot. On account of 4 layers of socks.

What is this here brown lump anyways. Perhaps it is a hibernating bear. Soon this hibernating bear, it will be raging all around.

Oh. It is a bale of hay.

5:12 a.m.
Trudging and sloshing along a black and terrifying hedgerow.

This black and terrifying hedgerow, it is full of brambles which are bristling with poisonous thorns and snakelike clawing tentacles which turn out to be old elm legs. Also weird clinging seeds.

Oh great there is a ghost arriving to kill me dead.

Oh it is only a very large owl wearing white pants. A owl, that is okay. Small plump cats, they have nothing to fear from owls.

Ouch.

That there was a old carburetor.

Ouch.

That there was a roll of old barbed wire.

Here comes that owl again.

HEY OWL I AM LOOKING FOR A LARGE MAPLE TREE WITH SAP NOZZLES STICKING OUT OF IT EVERY WHICH WAYS. I AM SUPPOSED TO STAND MOTIONLESS UNDER THAT TREE FOR THE NEXT 13 HOURS.

That owl, it must have its hearing aids turned off.

That owl, it has snatched up a small and screetching animal. Probably a lizard.

I shall continue trudging.

Oh here is that big maple tree which Pia said. I shall now assume the perfectly motionless stance of a mighty hunter.

5:20 a.m.
These 8 layers of underwears and sweaters and sweatshirts and coats and vests, they are rather too warm.

I shall unzip this hunting vest.

zzzzzwwwwweeeeeeeeep

This zipper, it is rather noisy. I hope I have not scared away all the deers.

Also I am still rather warm. I shall remove this vest also this gigantic woolen hunting coat. I shall hang them from these sap nozzles.

There that is much better.

However it is still rather too warm.

I shall remove this here purple sweatshirt with the turkeys all over it.

Also this old beat up reindeer sweater of Moms which hangs down practically to the ankles and anyways it is not terribly attractive.

Also this flannel shirt of Bens with the pearl snaps which is dumb.

Also this pink sweater of Chickenloafs with the large-eyed beribboned kittens on the front which is rather too tight and anyways those large eyed kittens, they will probably frighten away the deers.

There that is better. I can breathe now.

Am rather comfortable as a matter of fact. In spite of brackish water in left boot which is kind of awful but hey. That is to be expected when you are a mighty hunter.

5:26 a.m.
Standing perfectly still on deer watch in the manner of a mighty hunter: it is not so bad.

Although it is a little bit chilly.

That there is no problem however. Me, I shall soon become accustomed to the invigorating and bracing winter air. This will happen in no time at all.

Except that it is still a bit chilly now that I study on it some.

No matter. I shall don this small pink sweater with the large eyed kittens.

There that is ideal. I am now wearing the kitten sweater backwards. So as not to terrify the deers.

Kitten sweaters, they are exceedingly snug and comfortable. That Chickenloaf, she sure can knit some pretty good sweaters.

However, this weather, it seems to be somewhat chillier.

Well that is to be expected.

Me, I am not a rugged northern cat for nothing! Rugged northern cats, it is a well known fact that they can stand all kinds of hideous weather. Without developing disgusting respiratory problems or sores all over our heads.

5:40 a.m.
I think I shall put on this reindeer sweater. As it will no doubt attract some deers.

There. That there was a real good idea.

HEY ALL YOU DEERS I HAVE GOT SOME REINDEERS OVER HERE. ALSO SOME NICE APPLES.

What the hell. A nest of angry hornets, it has found its way into my trouser pocket and those hornets are murderously buzzing.

Oh heck it is merely the walkie talkie which Pia has issued for the day. I knew that.

I shall now claw through 5 layers of clothing to retrieve that walkie talkie.

It is a test message from Pia.

***shut the fuck up***

6 a.m.
The temperature, it appears to have dropped precipitously.

Am shivering beneath all 8 layers of clothing even though this Woolrich coat, it is buttoned all the way up to my ears.

Also it is still pitch black.

6:30 a.m.
Have been assuming the perfectly motionless stance of a mighty hunter except for shivering in the pitch black for several hours. Water in left boot, it is slowly wicking its way up the leg of all 3 layers of long underwears.

Also this gun. It is rather heavy.

I shall attempt holding this gun in a different manner.

There that is much better.

No it is actually not.

Perhaps if I hold the gun so that it is pointed at those moss hummocks.

No that there is worse.

Perhaps if I balance the butt of the stock upon the toe of one boot, whilst grasping the end of the barrel with one paw, all the while slanting the barrel efficiently and safely away from my head.

No that sucks.

I shall lean the gun against this here tree.

6:50 a.m.
I do not think the sun, it will come up today.

I wonder what happened.

Maybe the sun, it is gone.

Yup. The sun. It is gone. I am sure of it.

I will just get a Yoo-Hoo out of this vending machine and

7:15 a.m.
Heavens I must have dozed off a little bit there. The sky, it is gray now. Them hummocks over there. They are not dead sheeps as I had thought. They are just lumps of old grass.

Ha ha they sure did look like dead sheeps back when it was dark.

Also that object which I thought was a enormous bat cave. It is a hay baler.

Also that brown thing inching along the hedgerow

Good grief that there is a deer! With antlers the size of a hayrake!

I shall now ease my gun to my shoulder in one efficient motion, assuming a fearsome shooters posture. Then perhaps I shall shoot that deer!

That there deer, I have it in the crosshairs of my scope!

Oh. It is a old hay rake.

Well. Anybody, they could have made that there mistake. Pia, she has most likely made that there mistake. I bet even Jack O’Connor, he has made that there mistake.

Anyways. Who is the idiot that left that old hay rake laying around.
Blam! Blam!

Holy crap somebody, they are shooting with a gun! I must drop flat to the ground so as not to be punctured full of holes.

Blam! Blam! Whump!

There. That shooting, it seems to be over with. I shall assume my former position as a mighty hunter.

What kind of lunatic is out here firing a gun anyways. It is nuts.

Blam! Blam! Zing! Whump!

8 a.m.
Shooting, it is going on all over the place.

However me, I have seen no deers whatsoever.

I know: I shall turn around and watch in this direction for a while.

Zweeeeeeeep! Zweeeeeeeeeeeeep! Snort! Thump!

Aaaaaaaaaagh!

A bunch of does, they were pilfering apples from out of the pockets of this here Woolrich coat and now they are making horrible noises and they are springing away through the woods!

I had no idea deers, they could make them awful noises.

Deers. They are a bunch of weirdos.

Those does, they have taken all my good apples.

8:20 a.m.
Deers. I am onto them now.

Deers. They think that they can sneak all over the place.

Well the buck stops here that is all I have to say.

8:23 a.m.
That rhythmic crunching sound. I bet that is a deer which is sneaking along the hedgerow in this direction. Having stolen somebody’s snowboots.

Well that there deer, it will not sneak past me. No way!

Oh it is Snooples trudging along with her head down and dragging a enormous buck.

Being a mighty hunter, I shall remain motionless as Snooples trudges by. Snooples, she will not even notice that I am here.

didn’t you see this here big buck?

Um.

he was standin’ right over there next to that hayrake.

Snooples nose, it is pink and sniffly from the cold.

well anyways. i went ahead and i decided to shoot. i hope that is okay.

OH YEAH I SAW THAT THERE DEER. I JUST WASN’T IN THE MOOD.

well, okay.

Snooples, she has trudged on past dragging that enormous buck.

8:55 a.m.
Well it is almost noon I bet. Soon we will all go back to the lovely warm house. Then we will have soup for lunch.

Nice hot soup. That will be good. I am interested in nice hot soup.

That soup, I bet it has little morsels of chicken. Also giblets. I am very interested in giblets.

Also bread. I bet there is nice buttered bread.

I shall now consult my pocket watch. So as to be sure that I do not miss lunch altogether. That there would be tragic.

Oh.

It is 9:01 a.m.

9:22 a.m.
Well I bet it is lunchtime now. I guess I will head back to the house.

Good gracious who is that clumping through the snow dressed in the manner of a light bulb.

Oh it is Chessie. Chessie, she is dressed in blaze orange from head to foot and she is dragging a large fat doe with a apple in its teeth.

well i done filled my doe tag! c’était facile!

THAT THERE DEER. IT IS A APPLE STEALER.

yup.

WELL I GUESS IT IS LUNCH TIME.

nope.

10 a.m.
I will not look at my pocket watch. I will not look at my pocket watch. I will not look at my pocket watch. I will not look at my pocket watch…

10:12 a.m.
I will not look at my pocket watch. I will not look at my pocket watch. I will not look at my pocket watch…

10:15 a.m.
I know.

I will not look at my pocket watch unless I see a squirrel.

10:12 a.m.
Oh good there is a squirrel. Well it is a chickmump but close enough.

I shall now consult my pocket watch.

I think this pocket watch, there is something wrong with it.

My pocket watch, I think it is dead.

Blam! Blamblamblamblamblam!

Damn it I wish they would holler or blow a bugle or something before they commence all that shooting so that I do not practically have a heart attack.

10:35 a.m.
Have become abject shivering pillar of misery. Teeth are uncontrollably rattling. Paws are permanently locked in hideous claw shapes around gun which now weighs 400 pounds. Water in left boot is frozen solid. They will probably have to amputate that there leg.

Also I have to pee.

10:40 a.m.
I do not have to pee. I do not have to pee. I do not have to pee. I do not have to pee…

10:43 a.m.
Knees, they have siezed in unbent position. Cannot feel ears.

10:51 a.m.
Individuals dying of the cold: I have read that they go insane first.

I will probably go insane pretty soon.

10:53 a.m.
Chickadees. How do they keep warm. That is what I want to know.

10:57 a.m.
Chickadees. They are the ping pong balls of the animal world. They wear no boots upon their foots.

10:59 a.m.
I shall think of a happy song. That will make the time pass quickly.

O he’s a jolly old snowman!
A jolly old snowman!

No that is no good.

I shall name all of the flora and fauna in the general area. That will keep my mind from going nuts.

Dead stump…rotten old lichens…turkey hen…zillions of chickadees…some creepy moss…large buck…

Holy crap that there is a large buck!

Blam! Blam!

Me, I have become a single-minded shooting machine!

Blam!

That large buck, he is laughing and hooting and he is bouncing away through the woods.

Well.

My ears, they are ringing and I will most likely go deaf.

However at least I am warm now except for the dead foot.

11:05 a.m.
Perhaps that buck, he was actually not hooting and laughing.

Peraps those were hollers of anguish.

No. That buck, he was definitely hooting and laughing.

But maybe not.

No, he definitely was.

However: Perhaps that buck, he was Laughing in the Face of Death. I should go see.

No I will stay put. Pia said to stay put.

No I will go see.

No I will stay put.

11:14 a.m.
I am tiptoeing through the woods in the general direction in which that there buck was.

Here is where that buck, he was standing. Here is a fresh cigarette butt. Here is where that buck, he went hopping away. That buck, he was wearing Dr. Martens.

Here is where that buck, he paused for some reason. Perhaps to reckon with Impending Doom.

A note, it is attached to this here twig. No doubt it is a Farewell Letter to the World.

SUCKER

Well.

I guess I will go back to my deer watch.

11:57 a.m.
There is another sqirrel. I can now consult my pocket watch once again.

Woo hoo it is 11:58 a.m.!

Here comes Charlie wearing his old L.L.Bean tan and orange coat with his rifle slung over one shoulder and a bit of fresh deer blood upon one sleeve. No doubt Charlie, he is rounding everybody up for soup time.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS.

Peanutbutter sandwich. Best thing when you’re hunting.

Charlie, he is handing over a thermos bottle.

Hot Ovaltine.

BUT I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE SOUP. INSIDE THE LOVELY WARM HOUSE.

I figured everybody’d appreciate being able to stay out and hunt as long as they could.

Charlie, he is clumping up the hedgerow with his sack of peanutbutter sandwitches and thermos bottles.

1:20 p.m.
Nobody is around so am peeing behind this here large stone covered with interesting heiroglyphics.

GOD DAMNIT BEN.

3 p.m.
Am past caring about deers. Am intent upon survival.

Maybe if I continuously move my toes they will regain life.
Also I shall stick my frozen paws into my ears. I read somewheres that works in desperate situations.

Perhaps if I also jump up and down.

What the fuck are you doing.

You won’t be gettin’ no deers that way.

Pia and Bucky Lawless, they are pulling large deers on luggage carts. Bucky Lawless, he has a orange stocking hat with a fluffy pom pom stretched over his antlers.

Oh great. The wind has started blowing.

3:35 p.m.
The wind, it is howling and shrieking and it is hurling ice needles down the neck of this here coat.

3:39 p.m.
I shall walk 25 yards in the direction of that pine tree over there. Then I shall walk 25 yards back in this direction. So as not to freeze permanently to the ground.

There. That is done.

Now I will think about hams.

4:05 p.m.
Yay, soon it will become dark once again. Then I can get the hell out of here and go and have some nice soup in the lovely warm house.

However I am supposed to wait here for Snooples. Snooples, she is walking through the woods and she is tapping trees with sticks and she is singing RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER in order to drive them deers out of the woods. Deers, they hate that song.

4:30 p.m.
Snooples, she will be along any minute now.

4:50 p.m.
Where the hell is Snooples. Dawdling as usual.

4:59 p.m.
What if Snooples, she has been kidnapped.

I think Snooples, she has been kidnapped.

I will need to explain to everyone that Snooples, she has been kidnapped.

5:10 p.m.
Welp, Snooples: She is gone.

I guess I will walk back to the house and have some soup and then get my leg amputated.

did you see any of them deers? there was about 15 of them!

BWAAAHH! SNOOPLES YOU MUST NOT GO SNEAKING UP ON PERSONS AND TUG UPON THEIR SLEEVES.

here i shooted this turkey for you. Snooples, she is holding up a dead turkey by the foots.

OH OKAY.