marel trout

January 1

Everybody but me, they are still a-bed.

Well I guess Snooples, she is up. On account of Snooples, she is pulling the paper streamers off of the pipe organ.

Me, I am setting out here on the portch drinking a Dr. Kook.

January 2

The neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes, it is littered all over the place with little scraps of sparkly papers. Also bursted balloons. Also empty bottles and paper floots.

Two hedgehogs, they are sweeping. A third hedgehog, he is repairing the cracked windows of the Fearful Porpentine.

I have never seen them hedgehogs before.

January 4

Am observing the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes with this here old nautical telescope.

The street, it is deserted as it is early in the morning.

There goes the mink off to work in his ermine hat and coat.

That mink, he is pocketing the keys to his Bentley. That mink, he is opening the doors to his furrier shop.

There goes the nuthatch which operates Chez Beak during the winter hopping along the sidewalk with a brown paper parcel from the butcher shop.

There goes a bunch of chickadees.

Them chickadees, they are wearing matching striped stocking hats. They are toting ice skates. They are singing I GOT SEEDS YOU GOT SEEDS

January 7

We are setting around the dining room table and we are playing Attach the Gall Bladder.

Outside it is sleets and freezing rains.

Snooples, she is clasping the plastic gallbladder with the special gall bladder tongs.

Snooples, she is attempting to attach the gall bladder.

Brrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Snooples, she has been unsuccessful at attaching the gall bladder.

Now it is Fifi Laphroags turn.

Fifi Laphroag, she has attached the gall bladder. Fifi Laphroag, she has accomplished this in less than a second.

Fifi Laphroag, she is beaming.

Now it is Chessies turn.

Chessie, she has produced a ball peen hammer. Chessie, she has banged that gall bladder into place.

The Attach the Gall Bladder game, it is in pieces. Wires are sproinging in various directions.

Everybody, they are silent.

January 10

It is snowing and snowing. We are playing board games once again.

home is where the turkey is!

Snooples, she has poured the dice out of her Parcheesi cup. Snooples, she is tapping a blue Parcheesi guy up the squares to Home. A little plastic turkey, it is waiting in Home.

OKAY HERE IS YOUR QUESTION. WHAT FAMOUS BLUES MUSICIAN ONCE RESCUED A COW.

oh that is easy. porky hoots!

Snooples is advancing her Red Knight to Queen’s Pawn.

check!

Snooples is picking up her 6 cards.

i shall now shoot the moon!

Uh oh now Snooples, she gets to declare the trumps. That is real bad for the rest of us.

SNOOPLES YOU CANNOT LEAD WITH A THREE OF CLUBS THAT IS STUPID.

Snooples, she has drained everybody of all their clubs in one round. Chessie, she has slapped down the 2 of clubs. Chessie, she has folded her arms and she is scowling.

that gives me low and high!

YEAH HOWEVER YOU HAVE SHOOTED THE MOON. IF YOU DO NOT GET JACK AND THE GAME YOU WILL DEFAULT UPON YOUR LOAN. THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO AUCTION OFF PARK PLACE AND ALL OF ITS FURNITURES. THEN CHESSIE, SHE WILL BE IN A IDEAL POSITION TO SINK YOUR BATTLESHIP.

Snooples eyes, they have become large and wet.

WELL I AM JUST SAYING.

Snooples is sucking upon one claw.

Snooples, she has laid down the Jack of Clubs.

Snooples, she has laid down the King of Clubs.

Snooples, she has laid down the Queen of Clubs.

Snooples, she has laid down the Ace of Clubs.

Snooples, she has cleaned us out of all our cards.

Snooples, she is happily tapping her little plastic soldier around the Monopoly board. Snooples, she has collected 5 hotels. Plus 8 Scrabble tiles.

Snooples, she has just spelled Quixotic for 70 points.

However, Chickenloaf: She has just jumped over 7 of Snooples checkers. Chickenloaf, she now has 3 kings.

This ties Chickenloaf and Snooples and Pia for first place.

This game, it is getting pretty good.

i am tired of this game. i have to pee.

CHESSIE STOP KICKING THE TABLE LEG. YOU ARE TOPPLING THE LINCOLN LOGS.

anyways it is a dumb game. we have got no snakes or ladders.

NO MATTER. WE MUST MAKE DO.

also no spirographs. how can we break the tie without the spirographs.

KIDS IN THE OLDEN DAYS ALL THEY HAD TO PLAY WITH WERE OLD CHICKEN FOOTS.

Shut up and roll the Yahtzee dice. Let’s wrap this up.

Chickenloaf, she places 6 Lincoln logs in front of Pia who is restringing her bass guitar.

Oh here comes Charlie stamping in from the snow.

Charlie, he is unwrapping his scarf and he is shaking the snow from out of his tweed cap.

Charlie, he has brought the Chinese take out foods plus the Harry Potter DVD.

January 15

We are in the large oats field up above the house and we are sledding in that oats field.

Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben and Snooples and Fifi Laphroag plus one of the squirrels from the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes, they are packed onto Charlies rickety old Toboggan.

I am not certain which squirrel that is. Oh it is Garlic Chives.

Me, I am standing here rubbing wax upon the runners of my nice new Flexible Flyer.

kick the tobbogan with your boot!

Chessie, she is at the front of that toboggan. Chessie, she is wearing a aviators cap with the ear flaps flapping.

CHESSIE WHERE DID YOU GET THEM GOGGLES WITH THE WOLFERINE FUR AROUND THE RIMS.

the toboggan! kick it with your boot!

THEM GOGGLES. THEY LOOK LIKE MR. POLESAWS GOGGLES FROM THE WAR.

kick the toboggan! kick it!

Chickenloaf, she is at the back of the toboggan. Chickenloaf, she has turned around and she is trying to push against the snow with her mittened paws.

That toboggan, it does not budge.

ANYWAYS, THAT THERE TOBOGGAN. IT WILL WRECK TO SMITHEREENS.

kick it!

TOBOGGANS, THEY ALWAYS WRECK TO SMITHEREENS.

kick it! kick it!

THAT THERE TOBOGGAN, IT IS MOSTLY DUCT TAPE.

oh goddamnit.

Chessie, she has extricated herself from the front of that toboggan. Chessie, she is marching around behind that toboggan.

Chessie, she is giving that toboggan a shove.

There goes that toboggan down the hill with all them hapless victims.

Chickenloafs powder blue mittens, they are still stuck here in the snow.

January 20

Well vacation is over and we are getting ready for school. Me, I am clacking down the hallway in my new black and brown saddle oxfords.

These new black and brown saddle oxfords, they clack in a authoritative manner.

Oh great heavens, what is going on now.

Snooples and Chessie and Ben, they are in the living room and they have the ironing board and the steam iron out. Snooples and Chessie and Ben, they are ironing their ears.

SNOOPLES CHESSIE AND BEN, THAT THERE IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

but it is comme il faut!

also it is the current fashion!

YOU WILL GO DEAF.

not possible!

FINE TOAST YOUR EARS AND BECOME DEAF AND WHATNOT.

Chessie, she has returned to ironing her ears.

Ben, he is holding a hand-mirror at all angles and he is admiring his smooth ears.

January 21

Lunch Room

We are enjoying a special New Years lunch of banana salad and squabs.

Nini and Ben and Chessie, they are at the front of the Lunch Room and they are wearing matching sequined pantsuits. Nini, she is playing the piano. Ben, he is playing a trumpet with some kind of mute stuck in the end. Chessie, she is rattling maracas.

What is that awful song they are playing. Oh it is GIRL FROM IMPANEMA

January 23

Lunch Room

We are setting next to the goats. I do not like setting next to the goats.

The goats, they slap the table and blatt at their own jokes. Plus they snap their lunch trays in half over their heads. Then they munch up their lunch trays in an exceedingly loud manner.

Snooples, she is slicing a strawberry into thin slices. Snooples, she is placing those slices upon Triscuits. Snooples, she is feeding those strawberry slices upon the Triscuits to a tiny goat with a red bell around its neck.

SNOOPLES FEEDING GOATS WILL GET YOU NOWHERE IN LIFE.

There goes the rest of Snooples strawberry slices into that goat.

January 25

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

and the chicken went out to sea!

Horrible sloshing sounds, they are coming from the bathroom. I shall thump upon the door.

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE ENOUGH OF THAT THERE SLOSHING.

Dead silence.

There that is better.

I shall now retire to the living room with my Nancy Drew book.

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

and the chicken went out to sea!

I have returned to the bathroom and I have flung open the door.

Snooples and Chessie, they have tied their leotards in knots. They have filled the toilet with purple dye. they are sloshing their leotards up and down with the toilet plunger.

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

STOP THAT AWFUL SONG RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

but we are tye dying the leotards!

YOU MUST DESIST IMMEDIATELY. THAT THERE IS BAD FOR TOILETS.

okay.

Chessie, she has pushed down upon the flush handle.

There goes all the leotards down the toilet.

January 26

We are out sledding while Dad fixes the toilet.

Snooples and Chessie, they wish to send the lifesize plastic deer down the hill upon a sled.

but he is wearing a nice warm snowsuit!

NO MATTER. IT’S LEGS WILL SNAP OFF.

but we have secured him with these here ropes!

I FORBID THIS. IT SHALL NOT COME TO PASS.

Chessie, she has given that sled a shove.

There goes the lifesize plastic deer sailing down the hill.

There goes the lifesize plastic deers legs all over the place.

January 27

Saturday morning. Thank heavens.

I shall have a nice mug of hot Ovaltine and I shall sit quietly.

What is this. The whole kitchen smells of glue.

The life size plastic deer, it is laying upon the kitchen table. The life size plastic deer, it is festooned with various clamps.

Snooples, she is wearing a surgeons head lamp. Snooples, she is pulling off a pair of rubber surgery gloves.

i have done all i can!

Chessie, she is sternly scrubbing various surgical instruments in the kitchen sink.

SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE YOU HAD BETTER MOVE THAT THERE DEER. NINI IS BAKING BREAD TODAY.

but he continues to be under anesthesia!

NO MATTER. NINIS BREAD WILL NOT WAIT.

we will have to call a Life Flight Helicopter.

Chessie, she is speaking authoritatively and she is frowning at the soapy scalpel in her fist.

THEM HELICOPTERS, THEY DO NOT HAVE DEER ATTACHMENTS.

Later in the Afternoon

The life size plastic deer, it is dangling on cables from the Life Flight Helicopter. That Life Flight Helicopter, it is pivoting about. That Life Flight Helicopter, it is flying off to Charlies veterinary clinic.

We are standing around in the yard with the entire population from the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes. We are waving at the Helicopter.

have this here nice hot drink!

Snooples, she is standing next to me wearing several old flannel shrits and Chickenloafs old patched corderouys with the faded bumblebees and Charlies gigantic barn boots.

Snooples, she is holding out in her raggedy mittens a steaming mug of some sort of chocolate beverage.

That chocolate beverage, little marshmallows are floating around on top.

This chocolate beverage, it is delicious.

it is crappochino! i invented it for the homely dogs!

I have spit that horrible beverage all over the snow.