marel trout

August 6
I am setting on the porch and I am whittling a stick into the shape of a sea cucumber.

Sigh.

Other kids. They get to spend the summer learning to be Dental Surgeons or Navy Seals or whatnot.

Not me.

I will most likely end up at concrete mixing camp.

August 7
I am setting here on the back steps and I am watching the caryatids chewing up Nini’s begonias.

it says here beef cattles? they have finely honed auditory capabilities. beef cattles, they can tell a vynil recording from a digital recording every single time.

Snooples, she is absorbed in Charlie’s summer issue of Beef Cattles Quarterly. Snooples, she has been interested in beef cattles ever since she went off to North Dakota.

also? they are very good at keeping their knees clean. that there is a advantage over the various dairy cattle breeds.

The front cover of Beef Cattles Quarterly, it features a angus cow wearing a pink sunsuit with ruffles and a pink bow upon the head. Summer Fashions for the Small Herd. That is what it says on the front cover.

also? their meat? it makes delicious and zesty chili. see, right here: seven zesty chili recipes.

YEAH, WELL.

I am jabbing a old dead chickmump with a stick.

also? it says here? beef cattles, they are very sensitive to extraterritorial invasions.

Extraterrestrial.

Pia, I thought she was asleep in the hammock. But I guess not.

yes, that is correct. extraterritorial.

WELL BUT THAT THERE IS IMMATERIAL.

It is?

Fifi, she has looked up from her easel where she is composing a oil painting of Charlie wearing a Revolutionary War uniform and standing next to a long-necked horse.

EXTRATERRESTRIAL INVASIONS. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A EXTRATERRESTRIAL INVASION.

Oh!

Fifi, she has commenced painting a fat little spotted dog next to Charlies foots.

August 9
I am setting under the willow and I am taking the typewriter apart and I am oiling the typewriter parts.

Chickenloaf and Snooples, they are giving Blackie the black snake swimming lessons in the wading pool.

Blackie, he is toiling through the water and he is wearing 8 pairs of water wings all along the length of his body. Chickenloaf and Snooples, they are standing in the wading pool in their ruffled bathing suits and they are splashing Blackie in order to keep the hide wet and to prevent the sunburns.

Blackie, I think he is getting the hang of swimming.

Here comes Chessie stomping across the yard with her fishing pole and her tackle box. Chessie, she is settling down next to the Olympic size swimming pool. Chessie, she is pulling on her waders. Chessie, she is scowling.

well i guess everybody ought to know that dad, he does not care about our welfare.

why??

Chickenloaf and Snooples, they have stopped toweling off the black snake.

well it is either them beef cattles or working the checkout line at walmart. that’s what dad says.

charlie says beef cattles? they are okay once you get past the language barrier.

Snooples, she is rubbing sunscreen with both paws all over the black snake.

to hell with that.

Chessie, she has cast her fishing line into the Olympic size pool. Chessie, she is setting with her back to us.

August 11
Well here we are at Beef Cattle Camp.

We are standing in a straggly line and we are learning THE BEEF CATTLE CAMP SONG. It is mainly about beef cattles wandering around and getting lost.

We are wearing matching shirts with cowboys and horses and lariats emboidered all over them and pearl snaps. We are wearing matching cowboy hats which are of a nondescript beige color. We are wearing itchy bandanas around the throats.

Ben, he is not wearing a beige cowboy hat. Ben, he has had his bubble gum pink 1-gallon hat shipped in by FedEx. Also his bubble gum pink cowboy belt. With the Elvis the Pine Siskin belt buckle.

Ben, he has his thumbs hooked in his belt in a jaunty manner and he is swaggering.

August 12
Now ye straddle the calf like this here and ye grab the ear closest to ye, like this, and then ye clamp it real good, like this, see…

The Camp Guy, he is a leathery cowboy guy. The Camp Guy, he insists upon calling us Little Tender Foots.

The Camp Guy, his name is Normal Buttons.

Normal Buttons, he is showing us how to clamp large metal tags onto the ears of the beef cattles. Using a gigantic stapler.

This here, it will be fun.

August 13
It is 5 a.m. and we have finished a meal of rattlesnake meat. Also black coffee which has given us the jitters.

Now we are learning the Camp Rules:

1. No teasing of the beef cattles
2. No running off with the beef calfs
3. No mentioning of Ground Chuck
4. No swearing, off-color jokes, or discharging of firearms in the vicinity of the beef cattles
5. No playing of substandard audio recordings within earshot of the beef cattles
6. No discussion of cattle prods
7. Absolutely no Klesmer music

Snooples, she is fidgeting. Snooples, she is twitching. Snooples, she is setting down in the dust and taking off her cowboy boots. Snooples, she is itching behind the ears with her hind foots.

SNOOPLES YOU HAVE NEGLECTED TO TAKE THE FLEA PILLS. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE FLEA PILLS.

no, mom dabbled some medicines. right here, on the back of the neck.

NONSENSE IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU TAKE THE FLEA PILLS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL BECOME FLEA RADDLED.

no, mom said.

SOON YOU WILL HAVE NO FUR WHATSOEVER.

no…

Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to castrate a bull. Ben, he is snapping pictures to send back home.

August 14
Normal Buttons, he is showing us how to whack our bed rolls. So as to kill the scorpions which have taken up residence.

Chessie, she is frowning and she is concentrating on the pearl snaps upon her shirt cuffs. Chessie, she is snapping and unsnapping the pearl snaps upon her shirt cuffs.

The sound of them pearl snaps, it is like chorizos in my ears.

Now Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to skin a road kill and eat it. In case you have nothing else to eat.

snap…snap…snap…

Now Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to check ones boots for rattlesnake pups. We are in our sock foots and we are turning our boots upside down.

Tinkling little sleigh bells, they fallen out of Chickenloaf’s cowboy boots and they are rolling everywheres.

Now Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to hand wash fine lingerie.

snap…snap…snap…

GODDAMNIT CHESSIE.

Oh no.

Normal Buttons, he is leading horses out of the barn for everyone to ride.

August 15
We are standing around the corral with dust all over our foots. We are learning how to use these here lariat ropes.

These here lariat ropes, we are supposed to lasso a old Apple computer. Which is setting out in the middle of the corral.

Snooples and Chickenloaf, their lassos, they are landing in neat circles around that old Apple computer.

The rest of us, our ropes, they thudding in the dust in the manner of leftover pasta noodles.

Normal Buttons, he is having Chickenloaf demonstrate how to twirl a lariat rope in a circle over one’s head. Chickenloaf, she is twirling the lariat rope in a tidy circle that hovers just above the ears.

snap…snap…snap…

Chessie, she is scowling and she is snapping the pearl snaps upon her shirt cuffs.

CHESSIE YOU MUST ATTEND TO THE LARIAT LESSONS. OTHERWISE YOU MAY INADVERTENTLY BECOME STRANGLED.

Pia, she has flung her lariat rope. Pia, she has roped Ben.

Ben, he has toppled over. Ben, he is lying in the dust with all 4 foots in the air.

Ben, he does not move.

Send my coffin home to grandmother. I shan’t be buried on the prairie.

Ben, his eyes are pinched shut.

Pia, she is rolling Ben over and over with her boot.

August 16
I thought that beef cattles, they would run around hysterically. In the manner of other cattles.

However, beef cattles, they just stand and stare.

HEY BEEF CATTLES. WHAT IS THE BIT DEPTH AND DURATION OF THE AVERAGE-LENGTH PARTRIDGE FAMILY MP3 FILE.

The beef cattles, they merely stare.

It is a pretty good bet that beef cattles, they do not contribute to Wikipedia.

August 17
We are wrangling the beef cattles.

Wrangling the beef cattles, it consists of waiting until the prairie winds, they blow up a enormous black cloud of choking and blinding dust. Then you ride your horse straight into that dust. Then you look around for the cattles. Which are very good at hiding in the dust.

August 18
Stumbling around on a horse in the middle of a large cloud of dust. Attempting to keep a ear out for thundering hoofs.

When you hear them thundering hoofs you must ride at a full gallop off in that direction. Yelling and throwing your rope everywheres.

You must ride around after the sound of them thundering hoofs until you fall head first off your horse from dead fatigue.

That there is the supper bell. I am getting the hell out of here.

August 19
We are lying around everywheres and we are exhausted in the bunk house.

Chessie, she is wheezing in the manner of a old refrigerator, with one hind leg dangling over the side of the top bunk.

Chickenloaf, she has burrowed beneath the blankets upon her bunk so that only the ears show.

Ben, he is gazing mournfully at the worn floorboards with his red bandanna askew. Ben, he is playing BEAUTIFUL WHEEDLER upon his harmonica.

Snooples, she is poring over a stack of Beef Beautiful magazines which she has found in the out house. Snooples, she is reading a article called Does Your Herd Suffer from Low Self-Esteem?

Snooples, she keeps putting down the magazine and digging behind her ear with her hind foot. Snooples, she has not even bothered to remove her sock which is dangling halfway off her foot.

The worm pill bottles and the flea pill bottles and the mite pill bottles and the tick pill bottles, they are in a neat row upon Snooples night stand.

SNOOPLES YOU MUST TAKE THE MEDICINES FOR THE FLEAS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL GO DEAF.

however i am already deaf!

IF YOU DO NOT TAKE THE MEDICINES FOR THE FLEAS YOU WILL BRING TRAGEDY DOWN UPON THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

Snooples, she is sighing. Snooples, she is unscrewing the lids of the worm pill bottles and the flea pill bottles and the mite pill bottles and the tick pill bottles.

August 20
I am scrubbing the cooking items with a old bunch of twigs.

The beef cattles. They are standing around and staring.

Perhaps them beef cattles, they are made of plywood.

August 21
Now ye wanna get the ruffles nice and crisp. Like this here…

Normal Buttons, he is showing us how to iron the beef cattles sun suits.

Snooples, she is chewing her left foot. This is producing distracting little spongy sounds.

It is difficult to concentrate upon how to iron the beef cattles sun suits with those distracting little spongy sounds going on.

I shall kick Snooples.

There. I have kicked Snooples.

Snooples, she is lying exhausted upon her side. One of Snooples ears, it is twitching and twitching.

August 22
It is morning and I am taking a sponge bath using this tiny basin out in the freezing cold.

There are them beef cattles, staring again.

HEY BEEF CATTLES GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

The beef cattles. They stare.

I shall drag this basin down to the old abandoned pig pen.

There. That is better.

This here pig pen, the pigs which used to live here, they have carved poems and drawings and mathematical equations all over the fence boards. Those pigs, they have carved WILBUR LIVES everywheres.

It seems that those pigs, they also used this here old pottery wheel. Intricately crafted pots covered with pig heiroglyphs, they are setting around in the dust.

Also here is a mural all over the side of the pig barn. This here mural, it depicts pigs ruling over beef cattles. There is a space ship hovering off to the left. Pigs, they are floating up through a door in the bottom of the space ship.

The beef cattles in this here mural, they are standing around looking befuddled.

Here is some writing down at the bottom of this here mural. It says THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

August 25
Well, we are riding the range.

Riding the range, that means wandering around everywheres on your horse and eating only beans.

August 26
Riding the Range: Day 2

We have eaten our beans and we are clopping along on our horses.

The purpose of riding the range. Apparently it is to find missing beef cattles. Which have wandered off and got lost. You convince them to come home. Why I do not know.

Chickenloaf, she has spotted a bunch of beef cattles. The beef cattles, they are wearing leg warmers and they are standing around a large glowing aluminum thing festooned with pig heiroglyphs.

August 27
Riding the Range: Day 3

We have come upon a old electric cook stove. Of which the oven door, it is open. There is a sign nailed to a fence post. That sign, it says OPEN RANGE.

August 28
Riding the Range: Day 3

We are setting upon our horses around a ancient stone temple of some sort.

This here ancient temple, it depicts a pig standing atop a cow. All around the foots of the cow, there are corn cobs.

August 29
Riding the Range: Day 4

The lasso tightened around my throat like this. Then everything went dark. I distinctly heard flute music.

We are setting around the camp fire and we are swaddled in blankets and we are istening to Ben describing his recent near-death experience.

Snooples, she is twitching all over.

Chessie, she is snapping and unsnapping her shirt cuffs.

Then an eagle came to me in a Vision. And I said “Brother Eagle…”

Snooples, she is quivering and digging behind her ears. Snooples, she is rolling upon her back in the pine cones.

And the eagle said “Brother Cat. You must find the Way of the Breaking Winds…”

August 30
Riding the Range: Day 5

Well we have not found any beef cattles yet. But we have found this here Sheep Ranch.

The sheep farmer, he is dipping his sheeps in Sheep Dip.

We have trussed up Snooples and we are dipping Snooples in the Sheep Dip.

August 31
Riding the Range: Day 6
It is 10 a.m. in the morning and we are out in the middle of nowheres and it is freezing cold and we are starving to death on account of we have run out of beans.

Snooples, she is attempting to start a fire. However the matches, they are sodden.

Snooples, she is starting a fire with her flint and steel kit.

if i don’t get breakfast soon you might as well not bother. because i will be dead.

Chessie, she is lying upon her bed roll with her paws folded upon her stomach. Chessie, she is glaring up at the pale and distant sun.

this will only take one more minute.

Snooples, she is cupping her paws and she is blowing upon a crackling little pile of twigs.

Chickenloaf, she is humming BUFFALO GERBILS and she is pressing prairie dog legs down over the ends of pointed sticks.

Pia, she is pacing around at the edge of the camp with a unlit cigarette in one paw. Pia, she is squinting at the beef cattles.

The beef cattles, they are standing in a clump and they are staring back.

How would the bunch of you like to be a nice big pile of Delmonico steaks.

The beef cattles, they stare.

woah, what’s this. why, it’s an industrial strength cattle prod.

Pia, she has picked up Ben’s pink umbrella. Pia, she has opened Ben’s pink umbrella with a whoosh. Pia, she is waving Ben’s pink umbrella at the beef cattles.

The beef cattles, they stare.

Prairie dog legs, they are sizzling over the fire. Snooples, she is folding white linen napkins and she is laying out various sizes of forks.

what the fuck that there’s a ufo looks like we got company.

Chessie, she is pointing at the sky directly over the beef cattles.

The beef cattles, they are bellowing hysterically and running off in all directions.