marel trout

January 1

It is 11:50 a.m. in the morning of this here New Year.

Me, I am in bed. Beneath 22 blankets. I have exactly 1 eye open.

Also: I am punching the keyboard upon this here new iClaw. With exactly 1 claw.

Snooples, she is sound asleep upon the bottom bunk. Snooples, she is sprawled face down upon her pillow. Snooples, she is lightly wheezing.

I shall reach down and I shall poke Snooples upon the head.

Snooples, she has emitted a high-pitched squeak.

SNOOPLES ARISE IMMEDIATELY. YOU MUST TROT DOWN THE HALL AND YOU MUST TURN UP THE HEAT.

Snooples, she is trotting down the hall with the pantcuffs of her Squirrel Nutkin pajamas dragging behind her heels.

January 3

It is a dour and a dank and a overcast Saturday afternoon. We are playing Marine Sniper upon the Turkey Rug.

Nini, she is at the dining room table. Nini, she has spread colorful garden catalogs over every inch of the dining room table. Nini, she is wearing her gold-rimmed spectacles which she keeps upon a ribbon around her neck. Nini, she is assembling the garden orders.

order me some gourds. i want gourds.

Chessie, she has just sniped Ben. Ben, he has leaped into the air and he has landed upon his back with his legs pointing straight up.

Chessie, she now has the most snipe points with Pia second.

it has commenced to snow!

Snooples, she has pattered over to the picture window. Snooples, she has placed her paws upon the window sill.

Fluffy snow blobs, they are drifting down.

i will go get the snow bat kits.

Chessie, she is rolling up her sleeves. Chessie, she is marching resolutely down the hall.

Snow, it has begun swirling everywheres.

January 5

It is evening. We are in the television room. We are watching Amazing Rescue Turtles. Nini, she has made us some popcorns.

Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are moving in by the dozens across the desert toward a old abandoned grain elevator. Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are surrounding a hostage situation.

last night i dreamed i invented a top hat which was also a portable toilet paper dispenser.

Chessie, she has just blurted this out.

Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are trudging resolutely through the woods of New Hampshire. Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are tracking a bunch of Cub Scouts. Which have gone and gotten themselves lost.

Okay watch this next part. This is the good part.

Pia, she is pointing at the television screen with all five toes of one paw.

Forty or so Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are rapeling into a deep cavern in the Dakotas.

Snooples, she is sprawled out asleep upon the rug. Snooples, she is using her bowl of popcorns as a pillow.

Now French horns and kettle drums, they are booming. The Amazing Rescue Turtles logo, it is spinning right at us. The Amazing Rescue Turtles logo, it has filled the television screen.

Well, I guess the show, it is over.

January 7

I am cleaning up the bedroom. On account of Mom, she says clean up the bedroom. Or no watching Amazing Prehistoric Rodents this evening.

The bedroom, it is a wreck.

T-shirts and leotards and toast crusts and old rubbery carrot sticks, they are tangled everywheres.

Chickenloaf, she has strung bottles of glue and snippets of shiny paper and and glitters and yarn all over the rug. Pias gun cleaning kit, it is scattered across the homework desk. Which anyways we do not use.

Chessies little plastic dogs, they are lined up along the headboards of the bunks, the window sills, around the edges of the floor, and across the top of the closet door.

Snooples bed, however: It is neat and tidy. Upon Snooples pillow is esconsed a little red leather notebook. I shall see what is inside this little red notebook.

Huh.

January 8

I am setting upon the back porch and I am wearing 6 hooded sweatshirts plus snowmobile pants plus ear muffs plus Charlies barn boots.

I have Snooples little red notebook. I am identifying these here birds setting everywheres upon the snow laden limbs.

That bird there with the white chest and the spindly black legs plus the expensive brief case. The one teetering around the edge of the frozen bird bath. I am pretty sure that there, it is a Pelican.

January 9

I am at the dining room window and I am adjusting Ninis old binoculars. Which Nini, she carried during World War I.

I am attempting to ascertain the identity of that there bird. Which is hanging upside down from that there branch. That there bird, it is way the heck out in the woods.

Oh it is a Puffin. I am pretty sure it is a Puffin.

January 11

January 12

January 13

January 14

It is nighttime. We are in the television room. We are watching Fearless Kitten War Heroes, Part I.

Fuzzikins, the famous fighter pilot: He is putting on his leather helmet and his goggles plus a nice warm scarf. Fuzzikins, he is climbing into his little airplane.

Fuzzikins, he is snapping a salute to the ground crew.

Fuzzikins, he is buzzing in his little airplane off into the sky.

What the hell. Nini, she is clapping her paws.

Nini, she says Time For Bed. As the holiday vacation, it is over and done with. Tomorrow we must return to school.

January 15

regardez la vache! eh! ca va la vache!

CHESSIE SHUT UP. IT IS 2 A.M. IN THE MORNING.

For NPR News, this is Alex Whistle-Broom.

Oh damnit. It is time to get up and go to school.

January 17

Playground. The little kids, they are making snow sculptures.

Snooples, she is teaching the little kids how to make snow sculptures.

The big kids, we are standing around. We are trying to receive warmth from Pias and Bucky Lawlesses and Bing Hamtons’ cigarettes.

well i am done here.

Chessie, she is dusting off her mittens and she is striding away from her snow sculpture.

Chessies snow sculpture, it is a turret-mounted rocket launcher.

CHESSIE YOU HAD BEST BASH THAT TO BITS. THAT THERE COULD BE DANGEROUS.

nah. it is not loaded.

Chessie, she is packing snowballs and throwing them at the side of the school.

also the safety it is not on.

Chessie, she is solemnly pointing her soggy mitten at a small lever upon the side of the rocket launcher.

STILL. A LARGE GUN MADE OUT OF SNOW. THAT IS BAD.

nah. i ain’t made no ammunition yet.

Chessie, she is patting a small torpedo into shape.

Well, the school bell, it is ringing. It is time for our weekly seminar on Bildungsroman Novels.

January 18

January 20

We are standing around the playground in the soggy snow. On account of Ms. Wysiwyg, she says Fresh Air is Important.

The little kids, they are making snow guys and snow forts and snow bats. The little kids, they are chasing one another in the snow. The little kids, they are shrieking in a most jovial manner.

The older kids: We are standing around and we are slowly freezing to death.

why don’t you assist us in organizing snow games. then you will be nice and warm.

Snooples, she is standing in front of me and Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton and Bing Hamton’s cousin Antlerless Joe. Antlerless Joe, he is from upstate.

Snooples, she is wearing her Playground Assistant sash. Overtop of her new blue wool coat with the little gold anchor buttons.

NO WAY US OLDER KIDS: WE MUST REMAIN DIGNIFIED EVEN IF WE DIE.

Snooples, she is sighing. Snooples, she is herding a clutch of little kids away from the school bulldozer. Which is parked at a treacherous angle atop a mountain of snow at the edge of the playground.

January 24

We are in Highly Dangerous Chemistry Class.

Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is demonstrating the dangers of creamed corn.

Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is explaining that creamed corn, it is not to be taken lightly.

Now we are all putting our goggles upon our faces. We are lighting our bunsen burners.

Now we are heating up the creamed corn.

Now we are adding baby onions.

We are stirring and stirring the creamed corn and the baby onioins. Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is warning everybody: Do not sniff the creamed corn.

However it is too late. Bens whiskers, they are singed fuzzballs.

holy fuck.

Chessies creamed corn, it has exploded everywheres.

Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is explaining the trouble: Too many baby onions.

January 25

January 27

January 31

We are enjoying a Snow Day. As it is insanely blizzarding.

Nini, she is making Linzer Tortes. Ninis poofy chefs hat, it is floating back and forth in the kitchen.

Check.

Pia, she has just slid a red bishop all the way across the board and right over top of this here white rook. Pia, she has palmed the white rook.

The white rook, it is lying atop a heap of white chess pieces next to Pias elbow.

has anybody seen that there bird book?

Snooples, she has appeared in the dining room in her sock foots and pink leggings and tattered gray sweatshirt hanging down past her knees.

NOPE.

it was that there bird book which charlie, he gave it to me for christmas.

HAVE NOT SEEN IT.

oh.

Snooples, she has turned away.

It’s on the windowsill under the spotting scope. Check.

Pia, she has sailed a Red Rook right over top of this here White Queen. Which I do not think that is precisely legal.

Snooples, she is trotting over to the windowsill. Snooples, she has picked up the little red leather notebook. Snooples, she has opened the little red leather notebook.

oh my.

Check.

A Red Knight, it is now in the immediate neighborhood of the White King. No matter: I shall move said White King over this way.

oh my.

Snooples, she is paging through the notebook.

Chessie, she has burst through the front door midst a blast of cold air and snow. Chessie, she is stomping snow off of her snow boots.

guess what. ben, he is in jail.

Chessie, she is setting down upon the mat. Chessie, she is struggling to pull off her snow boots.

stole a loaf of bread. just heard about it on charlie’s cattle radio.

Chessies snow boots, they will not pull off of her foots.

Check mate.

Pia, she has angled the Red Knight over to the other side of this here White King.

WELL ANYWAYS, CHESS, IT IS DUMB.

Chessie, she has pulled off her snow boots, socks and all.

Chessies snow boots and socks and snow pants and coat and scarf and stocking hat and ear muffs and soggy mittens, they are littered all over the Turkey Rug.

Chessie, she is stalking off down the hallway to the bathroom.